A Little Heroine

I made the agonizing decision to donate her organs if she didn't come out of this. I thought that she would want to help save someone else's child's life. And I didn't want another family to go through the pain of losing a child.
The doctor's pronounced her dead at 4:35 pm. Despite the fact that I knew in my heart that she was, hearing a doctor tell you that your daughter is dead, words cannot express the pain you feel. It's like; it's not official until a doctor tells you.
We were actually in the middle of the questionnaire that you must do when donating a loved ones organs. Those questions aren't intended for children because there are questions like Has the donor ever had sex with someone who had hepatitis? Was the donor ever done drugs? Etc.. Obviously, a 2 year old would not have done those things.
Suzanne Delaney, the transplant coordinator and the person asking the questions, was amazing. When the doctor came in to tell us the pronounced Codi, she stopped and gave us as much time as we needed before continuing.
Suzanne asked me if I wanted to be notified when they went to recover her organs. I told her that yes, I did want to be notified and that I didn't care how late it was.

I spent as much time as I could by her side, knowing that this would be the last time I would see her, except at her funeral. I stroked her hair and held her tiny little hand. I rubbed her little feet and toes. I wanted to touch her as if by doing so, some of my life would somehow be transferred to her. But that only works in movies and books. I still talked to her. I still told her how much I love her. I will always love her. A part of me died right along with her.
I was allowed to hold her before I left the hospital. I wanted so badly to run out the door with her. The weeks prior to this, she seemed so big and heavy. But holding her this time, she felt so small and light as a feather. I never wanted to let her go. I wished so hard to take her place. I would have.

Suzanne called at about 3 am to tell me that they had found recipients for her liver and kidneys but none that were ready to receive her heart or lungs. She asked if I wanted to wait and try to find more recipients or go ahead. Codi was deteriorating at this time and I felt it best to go ahead and use what they could instead of waiting and not being able to use any. The donation authorization I signed also had the stipulation that none of her organs were to be used for scientific study unless they removed the organ with the intent of transplant and found it unuseable. I also requested that her eyes not be used. I just didn't think I could handle walking down the street and seeing her eyes in someone else.
The recovery surgery was performed at 5 am. Suzanne called about 8 to let me know that it was over. And with that, my baby was gone.