The Revelation

I saw Brian's girlfriend and at the time I didn't think anything of it because she was the least of my concerns, but she wasn't acting herself. She stood off to one side with her arms wrapped around her with this look in her face. It was, to me, a look of guilt. Not the guilt as in I can't believe this happened while she was with me. It was the look of I can't believe I did this. She never once came up to me, mom or anyone and tried to speak to us. She never even said a word to anyone.

I am proud of myself because I was being the bigger person and giving her the benefit of the doubt and not automatically assume that she did, in fact, beat Codi.

When I finally got to see Codi, she looked so small and so helpless. Tubes going in and out of her small body. The bruises on her beautiful face. Bruises on her arms and legs. There is nothing so humbling as seeing your child, your flesh and blood, lying there and knowing there's nothing you can do to help her. The first thought in my mind was my poor baby. Then it was oh my god how could this have happened? I wanted to yell and scream at someone, anyone but I knew it wouldn't help. I wanted so bad to lash out at the closest person to me but yet, I couldn't. I felt so small and helpless. I wanted nothing more than to take her pain away. I wanted to take her place. I would have gladly given my life for my baby girl.

I wanted to know what every tube, every syringe, every monitor was for. I wanted to know everything they were doing to her and why. What did that medicine to? How would it help her? The nurses were very patient with me and I tried to remember everything they told me but I can't. I can't even remember the names of all of the people I spoke with.
I stood there, next to the crib they had her in, holding her tiny hand, trying so hard not to cry. I talked to her. I told her I loved her and I asked her if she wanted to go home and watch Blue's Clues and Dora. I asked her if she wanted to play with her toys. I told her I was soo sorry and that she'd never go anywhere with out me again. At that point, I was ready to tell her dad that I wasn't letting her go with him any more. I didn't really care if I made him mad. That didn't matter. Nothing mattered except Codi.

While I was seeing Codi, Detective Betz arrived and needed to speak with me so I went to talk to him. He filled me in a little more on what was going on. He told me the story that he had been told upon arriving at Jefferson Memorial. And he also told me why the story didn't jive with the injuries. At that point, I hadn't been sure why. Now I knew. And I knew that Brian's girlfriend did this to her. And I cannot even begin to describe how it feels to know that 1) someone hurt your child, and 2) someone you trusted hurt your child. Someone who has known your child all of her life. Someone who had been at the hospital the day your child came into the world. Someone who is a parent herself.